Wednesday, March 28, 2007

My Resemblance To Jessica Simpson Is Uncanny!


It really is a sign of these modern times when my family begins to call, not to ask why I haven't phoned, but rather, why I haven't blogged! Don't worry folks...when I haven't blogged it usually means that my life has been incredibly full!

Today I discovered www.myheritage.com. On this website, you can upload a picture of yourself and your image will be matched to the celebrities that you most resemble. The comparison to Jessica Simpson made me laugh. The only thing that Jessica and I have in common is that John Mayer denied being in a relationship with me at one time as well. I have to admit that I liked the Grace Kelly and Natalie Portman comparisons. Like, I wish! I was just relieved that I didn't rate a 90% resemblance to Ugly Betty. A couple of my friends have joked that I look a bit like her. Actually, maybe I should upload a picture of her and put it on the website and see if we resemble the same people. Then, by default, we would ultimately resemble each other!

While on the topic of celebrities, I have refrained from visiting Perez Hilton's website for the last five days! That gossip blog is a guilty pleasure of mine, but I have begun to realize that reading it (well, looking at the pictures) makes me feel a bit catty and trashy. My sister said that she hasn't been on the site lately and that she feels much "cleaner". Perez always uses colourful expressions to describe people and I find that I begin to analyse people's appearances or behaviours in the same way. For example, at times throughout the day I will think that someone is being a "F*@ktard" or that their outfit makes them look like they have "Cankles" or that their shoes are "Sh#teous". That's not nice! Plus, when people visit Perez's website, they are contributing to the success of the paparazzi. If the paparazzi are encouraged, they will just continue to interrupt the leisure and party time of those nice celebrities. Celebrities don't want to be in the spotlight...okay, I'm being sarcastic.

Make sure to check out www.myheritage.com and let me know who you resemble. Oh, and sorry for swearing on this post. Perez made me do it!

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Feelin' The Love


It was quite mild out tonight so I let the cats out to frolic in the back yard. They had been out for a couple of hours when I started to get things ready to take out to the garbage. I opened my back door to bring the garbage out and almost stepped on a dead mouse! When I first saw it, a few emotions came over me. First there was disgust, then sadness for the mouse and then a glimmer of pride that my wuss city cats still have their survival instincts. I also knew that they had left it there as a present for me, almost like a bouquet of roses. As I lifted it up with grocery bag and gloved hand, I couldn't help but let out squeals of horror. Gilbert looked at me as if to say "Whuh, you dun like it?" I couldn't help it. It is just something about the limpness of a dead mouse that gives me the heebie jeebies. So, now my bouquet of roses is at the curb, in the garbage can, ready for tomorrow morning.

Tonight, I will go to bed with a warm feeling that I am truly loved (while my dirty-ass killer cats sleep peacefully beside me). Ahhhhhh.

When you first look at this picture, you think "Isn't that sweet?". But upon further investigation, you see that the mouse is too large to be a mouse. It's more like an overgrown sewer rat! When I was looking for cat and mouse images, I kept coming across cheesy pictures of a cat with a computer mouse. That's, like, so 1994!

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Breaking The Ritual


There are a few rituals that I perform on a daily basis. You may call it O.C.D., but I like to call them rituals. I am a chronic hand washer. When I leave the house, I check all of the elements on the stove and also put my hand on the burners to make sure that they aren't warm (even though I barely use my stove). I also check the door about 5 times after I lock it. When I walk down the street and step on a stone, I check the bottom of my shoe to make sure that I haven't accidentally stepped on a syringe (I know, that's crazy, but I would want to know, wouldn't you?)

Today I was thinking about my rituals and I realized that there are at least two that I can cross off of my list. For example, I used to check my messages on my home phone while I was at work. I don't know who I was expecting to call me, but I have learned that only telemarketers call during the day. I was able to break myself of this ritual because I discovered that any important messages would still be waiting for me when I came home from work. Also, my family and friends have my work number if they need to reach me during the day. Another ritual that I have broken is "blog-checking" while at work. I used to check my blog about five times a day to see if I had any comments. I was able to stop this ritual by posting a picture of a crocheted penis on my blog. Now I am too afraid to look at my blog at work. I would be dismissed for looking at porn on the internet!

Sometimes I think about how much time I waste on my rituals. If I spent this time on creative ventures, I would probably have a room full of paintings, or a few children's books completed by now. If I logged all of my wasted time in a book, I would probably accumulate enough hours for a part-time job!

My thoughts develop in ritualistic patterns as well. I would like to rid myself of these thoughts, but I think that will only be possible with a partial lobotomy. I waste a lot of time worrying about trivial things. I'm trying to change these patterns and, besides a lobotomy (because I'm too vain to shave my head), I think that the only way to break them is to think about "checking messages" and "crocheted penises". For example, feeling the need to analyse things and worry is like checking your messages. If your concern is urgent or valid it deserves your attention. But trivial worries are like phone calls from telemarketers. If you don't answer the call, they won't leave a message. Also, always thinking about "the worst case scenario" is like looking at a picture of a crocheted penis at work. It is unnecessary and will only get you into trouble.

Phew! I feel a bit like Dr. Phil, but I just needed to get that off of my chest. Maybe some of my readers have rituals that they would like to break. This is a safe environment for sharing, so go ahead...Dr. Cherry is listening:)

Monday, March 19, 2007

What the ......?


I have about 8 clocks in my house (that is if you include the double-faced clock that I have as well). Since the time change, I have only adjusted three of them (the ones that I rely on the most). These are my alarm clock, the clock on my microwave and the clock in the bathroom. Why haven't I changed the time on all of my clocks, you might ask? Well, that is a silly question to ask someone who takes a four hour nap in the middle of the afternoon. But I will change them all eventually, at least by the time the next time change rolls around. Anyways, tonight I feel like I gained an extra hour, because I kept looking at a clock that I hadn't changed and then I went and looked at the microwave and realized that it was really an hour earlier than I had thought! So, now I have time to blog...aren't you lucky?

In response to Apples' earlier comment, I do not drink and blog. I have only done it once and I hated myself in the morning. It was a stupid post entitled "Baby It's Warm Outside". I don't think that anyone even commented on it. But I do eat and blog. One of my favourite things to have while I am blogging is Mortadella in a whole wheat pita. I put the pita in the microwave for twenty seconds, add some spinach leaves, parsley, two slices of Mortadella and some Keene's hot mustard. Mortadella is my favourite lunch meat right now, even though I recently discovered that the white blobs in it aren't cheese, but are actually pork fat! The hot mustard makes my nose burn, but I really enjoy it. I like it so much that I could pull a George Costanza and eat it in bed, if you know what I'm sayin';)

I recently discovered that a friend of mine has a birthday this month. I think that he regretted bringing it up in conversation, because when I asked him the date he responded "March the 40th" and "October 2008". He's tooo funnay! Well, there are only twelve days left in March, so hopefully I haven't missed it (the sad part is, I had to go count the days on my calendar in order to figure out how many more days were left).

I will tell you one more funny thing before I bring this post to a close. Sometimes I think that my cats are playing tricks on me. For example, today I couldn't find Gilbert and Sista so I looked around my apartment and found them sitting in the front room. Gilbert was sitting on the back of the couch and Sista was sitting on the dresser. I went into the kitchen and checked on them again (only 2 minutes later) and this time, Sista was sitting on the back of the couch and Gilbert was sitting on the dresser, in the exact same poses! This isn't the first time that they have done this. They probably perform these little acts in order to bring some excitement into my day. That's cool, as long as I never catch them wearing bikinis and as long as I am never bored enough to sew them beach wear.

Sunday, March 18, 2007

People Need Back Up


Hello everyone. I haven't been home much in the last 4 days, so I apologize for the lack of blogging. The past few days have been very full and I have spent them with very interesting people. I have also watched a couple of movies with existential themes so I am feeling a bit philosophical. I had a 4 hour nap this afternoon and had some very intriguing dreams, which really made me think about life and relationships.

I often have dreams in which my family all live in the same house or neighbourhood. These dreams are always warm and comforting. When I wake up, I feel disjointed because I remember that my parents and my brother are two hours away and my sister lives in another city (only a half hour away, but I still only see her once a week). I envy people who have family close by. I truly believe that these people live fuller lives and are more at ease as they have that comfort zone and live their daily lives in the knowledge that someone is always there if they need them.

We also have our friends. One of my favorite lines in the movie "About A Boy" is when Marcus says "People need back up". As far as friendship goes, I have two friends that I trust with all of my heart. One of them is my sister and the other is a friend of mine that lives in Toronto. They are great listeners and always have words of encouragement for me. They help me to see the humourous side of every situation but are also brutally honest and aren't afraid to show me some "tough love" when I need it. They were both in my dream this afternoon and when I woke up, I realized how much I miss them. I spent some time with Ivan's friends this weekend and I really admire the strong bonds that he has in his life. When I am around them, I can see that his friends respect his opinions and really enjoy being with him. There is real love and admiration there and I think that is why Ivan is the centered and confident person that he is.

I have also recently spent time with people who have young children. Their lives are so much more complicated than mine but they persevere and contribute to the development and livelihood of these little people. It's amazing and I am in awe of those that play the roles of mother and father.

I also watched "Pretty In Pink" this weekend. The theme of existentialism wasn't so apparent in this film but it still had something to say. Today I found myself thinking about Duckie's character and his love for Andie. Although it had its creepy moments (he basically stalked her on his bicycle) his devotion to Andie was sincere and unshakable, until, of course, he met Kristy Swanson (or "The Duckette" as she is listed in the credits) at the prom.

This post has really been more stream of consciousness than blog, but I guess what I am really trying to say is that the people in our lives are important and help build our character. We need each other, whether it is to share a laugh or help us through a difficult time. I don't know if people are like me, but I believe that I don't say "I love you" as often as I should to the people closest to me. And when I do, I always say it quickly, like this "Love you!" But I really do have a lot of love in my heart and I mean those words.

And with that, I say goodnight and...I love you. XOXO

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Rites Of Spring


So, I haven't done anything creative this week (except write this blog) and I haven't been back to www.etsy.com because I'm not a pervert! But I am still feelin' that spring vibe. Today I wore a spring coat and I was able to walk on the sidewalks on my way to work because most of the snow has melted. But I had to be very careful as I walked due to the huge mounds of dog poo!

I'm not a scientist, but it appeared that they were all left by the same creature. And I'm not even sure if it was a dog, because it looked like it could have been from a horse. Every three feet there was a pile of dung. It did not appear that the animal was ill as the piles were solid. While I walked, I found myself analysing the situation. Were these piles always there, under the snow? Were they from a recent walk since the snow had melted? Was it an accumulation of different walks, under various layers of snow? And the most important question, why didn't the owner just stoop and scoop?

Then, I started thinking, maybe it wasn't left by a domestic animal at all. Maybe it was a bear that knows the rules of the road and chooses to stay on the sidewalk as a safety precaution. Or, perhaps it was a Sasquatch...I don't know, but I will be sure to keep an eye on this phenomenon. Maybe I will bring a baggie on my walk tomorrow and collect a sample to bring to Professor Brown for analysis (you know Professor Brown, from the show "Rewired" on www.bionicbuddha.com?) He's a pretty smart guy and I think he knows his dung!

Monday, March 12, 2007

Maybe I Won't Start Knitting


Okay, sorry about the x-rated picture, but I checked out www.etsy.com and this was the first thing that I found! That website should have a warning or something...Jeepers!

Creative Energy


So, I have been given an assignment. I need to do something creative by the end of the week. I was hoping to start it today, but it didn't happen. And now I feel like a bad ass, because instead of starting my project, I had a late dinner, washed dishes and talked on the phone all night. Even though I worked today, I feel guilty about relaxing tonight because I should have been using some creative energy.

I just don't know what to do. Should I draw something, paint something, or write something? I woke up feeling inspired. I left the house at 7:30am and I was enamoured with the pink sunrise along River Road. The birds were chirping loudly and energetically. It almost sounded like different radio stations playing at the same time, as the various species of birds sang their individual songs. It was my mom that pointed out to me that the birds start to sound different when spring approaches.

But then I got to work and crunched numbers all day thus losing that creative vibe. And now it is 12:30am and I am off to bed. Maybe my dreams will inspire me (or just frighten me like the "Hawksley Nightmare" did).

Perhaps I need to try something new, like knitting or Hungarian embroidery! My sister introduced me to a cool website: www.etsy.com. I haven't taken a good look at it yet, but she assures me that I will be inspired.

If anyone has any tips on how to get those creative juices flowing, I'd be open to suggestions. And remember, keep it clean because the Czar of the blog will delete any questionable comments. Heck, I might even delete this post (I've been known to do that, you know) because it sucks *#@ (as "Jewels of the Nile" would say).

Tuesday, March 6, 2007

Hawksley Herpman


Well it looks like everyone loved my last post! Like, I have no comments! I guess that word got out that I have started policing my blog and deleting comments that might be a bit too colourful. Well, the communist regime has ended, and you may comment freely...Please comment...please?

So, I will tell you about a strange dream that I had last night. I dreamt that I went to a dark and dingy club to watch Hawksley Workman perform. I guess that his career was suffering as he was the opening act for some obscure band. When he finished his set, he went into the audience to watch the rest of the show. While the second act performed, Hawksley approached me. I could tell that he had been drinking as his eyes were glazed over and he was slurring his words. He asked me to kiss him and I remember thinking, "Wow! You're, like, Hawksley Workman and you want me to kiss you? Y-ah!" So, I did. It wasn't a very long kiss, but I did kiss him on the mouth. Then, the spotlight scanned the audience briefly and when it passed across Hawksley's face I noticed that he had these huge cold sores on his lips! He looked at me and his herpes-encrusted lips curled into a mischievous smile and his eyes were barely open as he drunkenly swayed back and forth. I remember thinking "Man, why did I have to kiss him? Like, he's only Hawksley Workman and I've never had a cold sore in my life!" And then my lips began to tingle.

When I woke up, I still thought that I had a cold sore, but then I realized that it was just a dream. I've gotten over it, but now Hawksley Workman grosses me out!

Monday, March 5, 2007

CAAAAKKKE!


I love cake! I've just got to have it. At work we have had a birthday every week for the past three weeks. There has been cake once a week! It's been great. Today I was able to bring some cake home because someone was going to throw it out! Can you imagine that? A gorgeous Sobeys vanilla cream cake! Today I had a piece during the birthday song, another piece for an afternoon snack and I might have one more before I go to bed. That leaves one piece left for breakfast. Does it get any better than this?

I can't believe that Elaine on "Seinfeld" called in sick because there were too many birthday celebrations at her place of employment. And then, when she returned to work, someone had bought her a "Get Well Soon" cake. Man, if only that would happen at my job...I loved that episode, especially when she went through cake withdrawal and ended up eating Peterman's prized slice from a 1930's Royal Wedding. I'll never forget the line "That was a butter cream icing! The agony that you will be experiencing is punishment enough". I actually became quite ill from cake once. An old landlord offered me some carrot cake (my favourite kind) and I noticed that the carrot bits were green. I ate it anyways because I didn't want to be rude. Within a half hour of ingesting it, my stomach began to gurgle and...well...Carrot cake is still my favourite cake, but now I am very particular about who makes it and how fresh the vegetables are that go into it.

The only cakes that I don't like are Dairy Queen cakes. People don't understand this, but I really don't like them. I once worked in an office where that is all that they would serve at birthdays. They're really expensive too!

Today, when the birthday girl was serving the cake at work, she ended up with some icing on her pant leg. One of my witty coworkers said "So that's what they mean when they say that cake goes right to your thighs". Bud da da ching!!

Okay, enough cake talk. Now for a cake walk, right to the fridge for my third slice of the day!

Cheers!

Sunday, March 4, 2007

Love Conquers All


Well, I solved the mystery of "Jewels of the Nile". It is a friend that is just commenting on my blog for the first time. They were trying to be funny and did not realize that this blog is a forum for me to feel good about myself:) Now, if I could only figure out who "anonymous" is...

This weekend I watched the movie "You, Me and Dupree". When I saw the trailer, I thought that it would be a very immature film with lots of boobs and butts (there were some of those, but mens' butts too so that's okay), but it was a really sweet story about friendship and love.

In the movie, Molly and Carl are newlyweds who have opened their home to Dupree who is Carl's down-and-out friend. I don't want to give anything away (as I really think that people should watch this movie) but the story develops into a study on relationships. It is a story about forgiveness and acceptance. I enjoyed watching Dupree's character grow as he tries to better himself, follow a dream and "Live Strong".

I found myself laughing out loud during much of the film. One of my favourite scenes is one in which Carl suspects that Dupree is developing an interest in Molly. In the scene, Molly is reaching in the kitchen cupboard for the sugar and all that you can see is the back of Dupree's head as he coaches her to find it. Carl assumes that Dupree is admiring her buttocks, but in reality, Dupree's eyes are up at the top shelf where Molly is reaching. As Carl becomes more and more suspicious, it is easy to see how appearances can blur reality.

As I sit in front of my computer, in my quiet apartment on a Sunday afternoon, I almost wish that I had a "Dupree" around to plug my toilet, set fire to my curtains and watch Audrey Hepburn movies with. Oh well, maybe one of the cats will puke on the rug and there will be some excitement. Yeah!

Saturday, March 3, 2007

Panic At The Laundromat


So, I am writing another blog about animals. I hope that my faithful readers don't mind (especially "Jewels of the Nile". Nice comment, by the way and I think that I know who you are;)

As I mentioned in an older blog, the laundromat that I go to has tropical birds. The lovebirds have had a baby and it is very cute. Today the laundromat owner was opening the cage and the baby flew out. The small, feathery friend was frantically flying around the laundromat and kept banging into the mirrors on the walls. The parents were clinging to the bars of their cage and calling out to their child. It was very traumatic. I was standing there with my coins in hand, hesitant about whether to put them in the machine as I did not want to frighten the lovebird. Right then and there I had an epiphany. I suddenly thought to myself "This is my life. I am in a laundromat and I can't start my wash because, in doing so, I may frighten a tropical bird into further head injury. Something needs to change." So, I've decided to improve my place in life.

Anyways, back to my story...the owner caught the bird and it was returned to its parents, unharmed. The mother bird puked in the baby's beak and all was well.

The end.

Thursday, March 1, 2007

Winter Safety


I really like this picture. My sister took it. She takes lots of amazing pictures, but I can't show them to you because they are of her family (you know, the privacy thing). I love this bunny! He is just sitting there, contently on the step, curiously looking in the window at the human on the other side. The glowing sunlight acts as a reminder that spring is just around the corner.

When I look at this picture I can't help but smile. But...wait a minute...why isn't the bunny afraid? Maybe he is rabid! Maybe that liquid on the step is actually foam that was pouring from his mouth!

This picture frightens me!

A word to the wise: Beware of bunnies who pose for pictures!! (That includes drunk girls that dress up as Playboy Bunnies for Hallowe'en. They're probably dirty).