Tuesday, May 8, 2007

I Look Smart!

I posted this photo on my blog once before. A few people have commented that I look a bit "special" in this picture (that is me on the right). I will have you know that today a complete stranger told me that I look smart! Yes. Here is the story...I was walking down the street and a man was walking up to his vehicle. He resembled the stereotypical "beach" kind of guy, complete with tan, tank top and tribal tattoos. I was dressed in my business attire. The young man looked me up and down and commented "My, don't you look smart today!" The first thought that came to my mind was "Well, not really. I am of average intelligence", but instead I said "Thank you". He then said "How are you today?" and I replied "Fine, and you?" He responded with, "I am well, thank you". He got into his vehicle and drove away, but he continued to look back at me. This encounter did not make me uncomfortable as he was polite enough.

As I continued on my journey, a sports car sped past me. The passenger poked his head out of the window and exclaimed "I love you!" I was perplexed. How could he love me when he doesn't even know me? All that I can conclude is that everyone has a bit of the Spring Fever. I have also come to the realization that men like to see a woman in secretary attire. I never receive that much attention when I am wearing my hooker clothes.

My final stop was at the variety store to purchase microwave popcorn and diet pop. I rarely purchase lottery tickets but I decided to buy one. The Asian man behind the counter looked at my heavy load of groceries and said "I wish you good luck. You win the lottery and you never have to walk again. And every generation after you will have car too!" I thanked him and left the store, walking a little prouder and feeling a bit luckier.

Sunday, May 6, 2007

Every Day Is Like Sunday

Well, not every day is like Sunday and I'm glad, because Sundays tend to give me the blues. It has been this way for me as long as I can remember. When I was in gradeschool, I would be blue because the weekend was over and I had to go to school the next day. When I entered the work force, Sundays made me anxious because I had to return to work the following day. I usually enjoy myself during the day on a Sunday, but in the back of my mind I dread the quiet of my apartment in the evening and the ritual of picking out my outfit for Monday. Don't get me wrong, I like my job (and there was a time that I had to work on the weekend) but to me, the weekend is a mini-vacation and it is always difficult to return to the work routine after a vacation. I never go to bed early enough on a Sunday night because I want the weekend to last as long as possible (I guess that is why I am blogging at midnight). My weekends are usually quite full socially, so Sunday evenings can be a bit lonely for me as I return to my apartment and tend to my domestic tasks. Luckily the cats follow me from room to room and keep me company.

Maybe the "blues" really stands for:

Being a

I have met many people that feel the same way about this day. On the website www.postsecret.com, the postcards are updated every Sunday. I believe that they post on this day because many people feel lonely on Sundays and the postcards reassure the readers that they are not alone in their fear or anxiety.

I compare how Sundays make me feel to how my mom once described the feeling of an empty house. My mom once said that when the whole family comes to visit, it is always difficult when everyone leaves at the same time and you are left alone in a quiet house. That is exactly what Sunday means to me.

Thursday, May 3, 2007

To Serve And Protect

I was going for a walk at lunch today when I saw two police officers on horseback (they weren't on the same horse as there were two horses. But it is funny to imagine a police officer on a horse with another police officer sitting behind him with his hands about his waist). They looked very regal and it made me feel a bit tingly (down there! I joke). I've never been one of those gals who goes all ga-ga over men in uniform. But I will admit that I have a fondness for firemen (but not those cheesy firemen calendars) ever since I saw a fireman put an oxygen mask on a cat after a fire at my old neighbour's house. That is actually the house that Sista Soldia used to live in. The fireman also led my neighbour into the fire truck to sit with the cat because it was cold outside. Very sweet.

So, I was watching the police officers on horseback and I began to wonder...what is the purpose of this? This isn't the wild west where everyone rode horses. Can a horse chase a speeding car? If the horse were to chase someone on foot, could the perpetrator distract the horse by throwing a carrot on the ground? One thing is certain, those horses are very messy. They left a nice steaming pile of stuff at the stop light and when I returned to the office, I had that smell in my nose for the next hour.

Tuesday, May 1, 2007

Rock Star Fantasies

Yes, I admit it. I have rock star fantasies. Not fantasies about rock stars (I am still traumatized by that Hawksley Workman nightmare), but fantasies in which I am a rock star. Well, not really a star. I aim a little lower than that. It goes like this: when I hear a great song with great vocals (it can be sung by a male or female) I imagine that I am singing the song. But in the fantasy, I am in a talent show at my workplace (I know, if you are gonna dream, dream big!) I also imagine what outfit I would be wearing and how my hair would be styled. If the song is a duet, I imagine that Apples is singing with me. She would be the lead vocal and I would be the harmony, of course. In the fantasy, I am not discovered by a record producer. I would have my 15 seconds of fame, the admiration of my coworkers and then return to my simple life of Liquidation Store shopping and $4 tea at Starbucks (maybe I would win a free buffet for two...that would be cool). I refer to this daydream as a "fantasy" because in real life, I could never sing in front of an audience. My voice would quiver and I would have flashbacks of me singing "Puttin' On The Ritz" for a community theatre audition at the age of 15. Not good. But if Apples was in the talent show, she would end up touring with Feist, or acquire the role of Angelina Jolie's body double in her next film. Maybe I could be Apples' personal assistant but I am quite certain that she would never put me in charge of choosing her wardrobe.

So, there you have it, my rock star fantasy. The rock star in the picture is Ruby from the Scottish band Babygod. You can check out their video on www.bionicbuddha.com. It's called "One For The Boys". You'll find it under "Television" and "V Sides" on the main page (I think Apples would like it).

Sunday, April 29, 2007

Strong Enough For A Woman, But Made For A Man

Well, I am back. Thank you everyone for your kind words. I guess that if I write three blogs in a row and no one comments on them, I get a bit discouraged and begin to wonder if anyone is actually reading them. It is nice to know that people are reading, even if I am related to all of my readers. You can read my blog while you are waiting for your friends to respond to you on Facebook;) So here goes. Bear with me, because I'm a bit rusty...

I spent some time at Ivan's on the weekend and I forgot to bring my deodorant. So, I used Ivan's deodorant (maybe I should have asked him first, but I was sure that he wouldn't mind). Today I keep catching whiffs of it and I am constantly reminded of him. It's nice, actually. Now, I don't think that I will go out and buy this brand of deodorant for that sole purpose. But I do recommend that ladies occasionally wear their man's deodorant if they happen to be missing their fella. As long as you are not walking around smelling like a pine tree (Ivan's deodorant has a subtle, powdery scent) I don't see anything wrong with it. Perhaps the aluminum content may be higher in men's deodorant, or it may contain pheromones that make you more aggressive, but the occasional swipe along the pit is all that you need to bring the romance back.

I think that I will go make myself a candlelit dinner, now...

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

The Horror Of Dora

I recently noticed that one of my coworkers has a picture on her desk of her daughter with a huge, foam Dora monster! Upon closer inspection I realized that it was an adult in a Dora costume, but that creature scared the hell out of me! Its ankles were as big as my waist! My coworker explained to me that she brought her daughter to a "Meet Dora" party. I asked her if any of the children at the party were frightened by "Dora" and she said that a few of them were. Now, what is the point in that? You bring your child to meet their favourite animated character and they end up having nightmares about it until they are fifteen? Why did they make Dora into a giant? Isn't she suppose to be a little girl?

All I know is, I will never look at Dora the same way again. I didn't ask my coworker if Dora's monkey named Boots was at the party. If he was, they probably couldn't fit him in the building because they fashioned him after King Kong...as if the children weren't already frightened enough.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

I Thought That Fish Sauce Was Suppose To Be Good For You

Ivan makes a delicious Thai rice dish which includes chilies and fish sauce. The fish sauce can be purchased at Liquidation World for only 89 cents! Last night, I decided to make Rice-A-Roni and throw some fish sauce in with it. It had a strange smell, but it was quite delicious. Well, within an hour I was also quite ill. I told Ivan about my reaction to the fish sauce and he said that you need to use the chili sauce to offset the flavour.

I hate to waste food so I decided to bring the rest of the rice to work for lunch. (What a great idea!) When I heated it up in the microwave, my coworkers commented on its delicious aroma. I replied "Yah, we'll see how it goes down today. It made me pretty sick last night". Sure enough, within ten minutes I had horrible stomach pains. I still had twenty minutes left of my lunch hour so I decided to lay down in the sick room. It is a fairly new addition to the office and I think that I was the first person to use it. I would normally be quite hesitant about putting my head on a "community pillow" but at this point, I really didn't care. I laid there for about ten minutes and began to feel better. But it was difficult to relax because people would walk by the door (which is usually left open) and remark "Oh, the door is closed. Someone must be in there". There isn't a lock on the door and I kept expecting the door to open and I would be found curled up in the fetal position. But my rest was uninterrupted and I felt much better. I returned to my desk, only to be ill ten minutes later.

There are a few morals to this story:
1). Do not stray from the Rice-A-Roni preparation directions. It is the "San Francisco Treat" for a reason!

2). If your dinner makes you ill, chances are that the leftovers will as well.

3). Sometimes you can find great deals at Liquidation World. Food stuffs that do not have expiry dates are not always great deals.

4). Rice-A-Roni is cheap! You are not being wasteful if you only eat half of the box.

Monday, April 16, 2007

Happy Birthday Flower Child!

Tomorrow is Flower Child's birthday but I wanted to write this post now as I know that she gets up really early and I wanted this greeting to be there for her to read as she starts her day!

Happy birthday and I hope that you have a great day, Flower Child! I also hope that the weather gets better soon so that you can start your gardening and make beautiful things happen.

I love you,


Cool For Cats

There is another house that I pass on my way to work every morning that peaks my curiosity. There are always three cats hanging out on the step, but it is not always the same three cats. I am guessing that there are about nine cats that live in this house, but there are only three outside at the same time. I am thinking that the owner needs to have three cats out at all times so that she doesn't get overwhelmed. They are beautiful cats that are obviously well cared for. On the step there is a cardboard box and a cat carrier. Today, one cat was in the cat carrier, one was in the box and one was on top of the box. The cat that was on top of the box was huge, therefore the box was beginning to buckle under his weight. But the cat in the box didn't mind, even though the roof was sagging in over his head.

The notion of the cat owner having to let three cats out at a time reminds me of the days in which I would try to hide the fact that I had three cats (after all, three cats almost make a single gal a Cat lady). I once had a very nosy neighbour who would complain to the landlord about every little thing. I was certain that if she knew that I had three cats, she would tell the landlord and I would be forced to get rid of one. Luckily Bernie and Sista Soldia are both black, so I would only let one of them out at a time (Gilbert is a tabby). The only difference is, Bernie has long hair and Sista has short hair. My neighbour didn't seem to catch on. But, you should have seen me panic if they both ran out at the same time! One day my landlord came to the apartment to fix something. I thought that I would be safe as Bernie is very shy and usually hides when she hears a strange voice. On that particular day, Bernie was feeling friendly. Gilbert and Sista were watching my landlord work and I was talking to him, when suddenly Bernie entered the room. I thought that I was going to barf! The landlord didn't say anything about it. He finished his work, packed up his tools and walked to the door. But before he left, he turned to me and said "Two cats are fine, but three are not. You will have to bring one to the pound". I really loved that apartment (aside from the nosey neighbour), but I suddenly became very brave and said "I guess that I will have to give you my notice then". (I thought that I was going to barf again). The landlord smiled and quietly said "No, it's okay. But just don't tell the neighbour that you have three cats. She always needs something to complain about". This is a true story (in case you were wondering, Apples).

And I will close this post with today's funny cat tale (get it? Tale? Tail? Sorry, I'm being really geeky in this post). This morning I was on the phone with my sister. I was sitting on the bed when I looked at the doorway and saw Bernie chase Gilbert down the hall. A few seconds passed by and then I saw Sista Soldia run past the doorway after them. It was funny because it was like a delayed reaction and she was looking at me while she was running. Maybe you had to be there but it made me laugh because it was like something that you would see in a cartoon. And the way that my mind works, in those few seconds I even created a dialogue for my cats. Here it is:

Bernie: I'm gonna git you sucka!

Catch me if you can, Miss Geriatric.

Sista Soldia:
Whuh happened?

Since I was talking to my sister on the phone when this occurred, I told her about it. She suggested that I just call in sick from work and stay home and watch the cats all day. Nah...I'd rather save that for the weekend.

Saturday, April 14, 2007

Mornin' Sunshine!

I am certain that people who walk everywhere have the opportunity to see things that one would never see in a car. I would rather not see some of the things that I see on the way to work. Here is a story of one of those sights.

Yesterday morning I was walking to work. Two houses before the creepy house that I mentioned in a previous blog, there is a house that has a cute golden lab. The dog is quite advanced in years, as is apparent by his nimble gait and the white fur on his face. On this particular morning, the dog was outside walking around the yard. As I said "Good morning" to the dog, I could see that someone was looking out the window. The man was about the same age as the man in this picture, but he was wearing "tightie whities" instead of shorts. Unlike the man in the picture, he was not wearing a "wife beater" tank top, but was wearing a white t-shirt that was tucked into his briefs. He stood in the window long enough for me to notice this, but then he had the decency to step in front of his patio door which luckily had frosted glass. Yes, I could still see his silhouette and yes it was a troubling way to start the day...But I will not change my route to work and I will still say "Good morning" to the sweet canine. Maybe I will leave a gift bag on the back step that will contain a pair of boxers, or maybe even a housecoat. What should I write on the gift tag?

Thursday, April 12, 2007

When Spit Gets In Your Eye

Okay, I'm sure that I am not the only person that has had this happen to them. You are having a conversation with someone and they say a word with a "P" or an "S" in it and, in slow motion, spit flies from their mouth into your eye! What do you do? I ask this question because this happened to me at work yesterday. When the spit flew into my eye I pretended that it didn't happen, although I couldn't help but blink quickly. Then, I couldn't wait for the conversation to end, so that I could give myself an eye wash. As the person spoke, I looked at their discoloured teeth, smelt the stench of stale coffee on their breath and felt my eye begin to burn. I tried to make myself feel better about it. If someone kisses you on the cheek, sometimes they leave a trace of saliva. That won't hurt you, right? So the conversation ended and I tried not to think about my eye. I went back to my desk and continued to work. But, in true Cherry-style (I don't usually refer to myself in the third person, honestly) I couldn't stop thinking about it. Twenty minutes had passed since the initial contact and any viruses were now deep within my retina, but I went to the washroom and gave myself an eye wash anyways.

What's even worse is when someone is eating and talking and they spit in your eye or on your face. It is very difficult to be nonchalant about having a piece of soggy bread on your cheek. That happened to me once at a gathering when a distant relative of mine was talking to me. My sister and her husband are convinced that she's a vampire, so they assured me that that was just her way of casting a spell to ensure that I live forever. So, sometimes when people spit food in your face it means that they really like you! (especially if they are eating cake).

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Skid Of My Dreams

I've been having strange dreams lately and when I wake up in the morning, I try to analyse the dream and remember the thoughts that I had during the previous day which may have inspired the dream. Last night was no exception. I dreamt that my sister and I were both infatuated with the same man. He looked a bit like the gentleman in this picture but he also had a mustache and was a professional football player. I remember at one point in the dream, he complained that he only earned $500,000.00 a year. My sister and I planned a "skid" evening out with the man, which would involve a few pitchers of beer and maybe a little karaoke. My sister was dressed in her finest yoga attire. I don't remember what I was wearing but I do remember that our love interest was wearing a jean shirt that was neatly tucked into his very pale blue jeans. After the first round of drinks I realized that I had a boyfriend named Ivan, so I decided to encourage the football player to pay more attention to my sister. In my dream, my sister had just given birth the week before, so the liquor hit her hard. I found her by the d.j. booth. She had taken off her yoga pants only to reveal that she was wearing polar fleece jogging pants underneath. Huh? I know, it doesn't make any sense. She was passed out, so I went to find her Don Juan so that he could take her home. I found him in some sort of living room, sitting on the floor in front of a coffee table. He was snorting marijuana and that is when I decided to wake up.

So, what would inspire this dysfunctional dream you may ask? I am quite certain that it had to do with a man that I saw while I was walking to work yesterday morning. On my way to work I always pass by a creepy house. Yesterday morning when I walked by the house, a man opened the door, stepped outside and said "hello" to me. There he was, in the freezing cold wearing a pair of shorts and a tank top. Yes, he was a wicked skid, but he had a distinguished voice and a kind face. He was probably an ex-con, but I said "hello", just to be polite. That is all that I can think of that may have prompted this dream. By the way, my sister is quite the fashionista and would never wear her yoga apparel outside of the gym. Also, we do not think of pitchers of beer and karaoke as a "good time" (okay, I like karaoke, but I can never find anyone to go with me).

In case you were wondering, I found the pic of this handsome fellow on a website that sells mullet wigs. It's pretty funny because they have different names for the wigs, such as "The Landscaper". They could also name them "The Niagara Fallser" or "The Wellander" as le mullet appears to be the hairstyle of choice in these here parts.

Monday, April 9, 2007

A Mistake Isn't Always A Bad Thing

I had a pretty stressful morning. I was two hours late for work due to some "maintenance problems" in my apartment. I am proud to say that I handled the situation myself, which is fortunate as my landlord could not be reached (probably because of the holiday). I stopped at the deli before I went to the office to get a tea and a piece of chocolate chip banana loaf. This banana loaf is amazing, even though it tastes a bit like sausage and all of the other grease that is being fried at the deli. The Eastern European woman behind the counter almost gave me carrot cake instead of banana loaf, but that's okay. I got into the office and found a time sensitive project waiting for me. I settled into my desk and went to take a sip of my tea when I noticed the tag from the teabag dangling outside of the Styrofoam cup (I had also asked for the bag out). When I read the label it said "Sleepytime tea". What the hell? Who drinks Sleepytime tea when it isn't even noon? I imagined myself face down on my desk with a stream of drool pooling from my mouth within the next hour. But I took a sip of the tea anyways. To my delight, it was the perfect combination of mint, chamomile and honey.

A serene calm came over me and I began to organize everything that I needed in order to tackle the project. I was able to joke with my coworkers about my morning. Everything happened in slow motion, with me raising my cup of Sleepytime tea, my coworkers leaning back in their chairs laughing, and a misty fog all around us, sort of like what you would see in a poorly made Canadian film.

Okay, it wasn't quite like that, but I did complete the project and stayed until 7:15pm in order to put in a full eight hours. Now I strongly recommend Sleepytime tea if you ever find yourself in a stressful situation. But, if you are ever at the deli and Helga waits on you, pay close attention. You might end up with head cheese when what you really wanted was mortadella.

Sunday, April 8, 2007

Some Pig

I must admit that I have never read the book "Charlotte's Web" or watched the animated film because I knew that an animal would die. Until today, I did not know if the spider died, or the pig, or both. All that I knew was that it was sure to make me cry. Today I watched the latest version of the story with a three year old and a five year old and I was the only one that cried! How embarrassing.

The tears started rolling right at the beginning of the movie (the same thing happened to my sister and I when we saw "E.T." as kids). "Charlotte's Web" is the moving tale of a young girl that talks her father out of killing the runt of the litter. He is then saved from the smokehouse by a spider who writes wonderful things about him in her web for all to see. They are beautiful words such as "Some Pig", "Radiant" and "Humble". Charlotte the spider does die, but her eggs hatch and some of the baby spiders remain in the barn to keep Wilbur company. Wilbur never meets the fate of becoming the Christmas ham thanks to the will of a young girl and a spider who befriends him.

Today was Easter, and although I did not have the opportunity to spend it with my own family, I spent it with a caring family who made me feel very welcome. I will never forget the moment in the film during which I was sobbing hysterically and the five year old looked up at me and said "Why are you crying?" As makeup ran down my face and snot ran out of my nose, I tried to compose myself while I stuttered "Be-e-cause its s-a-a-d". But it's okay. The film had a happy ending, we played with some toys and then we had an excellent meal (I was very relieved that they didn't serve ham).

Tuesday, April 3, 2007

Ode To A Squirrel

Tonight I was putting the apartment to bed, which involves snuffing out the candles and checking them a few times to ensure that they are out, as well as the stove, etc. when I happened to look out my front window and notice something on the road. The cats were watching it too. I focused and it appeared to be a squirrel, laying on its back. It must have been hit by a car. But then I saw it move. It was trying to get up! The poor creature flapped it's tail, kicked its legs and tried to roll over. It was very painful to watch. I was in panic-mode and began to pace back and forth. There was nothing I could do. It would probably die shortly, but watching it suffer was excruciating. I thought about grabbing my hammer and putting it out of its misery. But I couldn't do that. I thought about going to bed and trying not to think about it. I couldn't do that either. I knew that watching this animal breathe its last breath would be an image that I would probably never get out of my head, but I decided to go outside anyways. The creature had stopped moving, so perhaps it was already dead. The cats wanted to join me, but I advised them against it, as an injured animal may attack, and this was something that I had to do alone.

I wrapped my coat around myself and took a deep breath. As I approached the squirrel I could see varying shades of black, red and white. Within two feet I realized that it was a crumpled piece of newspaper! The wind had pushed it along the street and had played with it for a while...in the same way that my mind had played a trick on me!

This little story confirms that what you think you see isn't always what is happening in reality. When I returned to my apartment, I swear that I could hear the cats chuckle softly. They had known all along that it was only a piece of newspaper because they have perfect vision. Heck, they can even see in the dark!

You know, I didn't even pick up that litter from the street. I was just so relieved that it wasn't roadkill that I didn't even think about the aesthetics of my neighbourhood. In a strange way, I think that it would have grossed me out to touch it as I had spent the previous five minutes believing it was a dead animal. Does that make any sense? Oh well, I'll sleep peacefully tonight knowing that my neighbourhood squirrels are safe. Now I'll just go and check those candles one more time...

Monday, April 2, 2007

For The Love Of The Theatre, Dahling...

Because I am a philanthropist, supporter of the arts and frankly, in need of a creative outlet, I have decided to volunteer at the local theatre. I met with the President of the theatre this evening and expected to be granted the title of ticket-tearer, or coffee pourer. So you can imagine my surprise when I was asked to be the A.S.M. (no, that doesn't stand for Altruistic Saintlike Martyr, but it is the initials for Assistant Stage Manager) in their next production!

I am excited, but those of you who know me well can probably imagine some of the aspects of this title that may concern me. Firstly, I will have to tell people what to do. This will lead to me worrying that people are mad at me. Also, I will have to wear a headset. This involves having to pay attention to a few things at once. I imagine that I will be over stimulated and repeat "OH NO" a few times to myself and ultimately end up rocking back and forth with my head in my hands. Yah, I don't think that these theatre people know what they have gotten themselves into.

The director actually asked me if I expect to be "asked out on some date" that may prevent me from committing to this project. Yah, like I'm sixteen or something (maybe he thought I was that young. Well, I did just colour my hair. My, how flattering). But then again, if Ivan scored tickets to an awesome concert, or if a new liquidation store was opening up, or a kick-ass auction, I might be a no-show to this theatre gig.

No, I will do this. This community needs me. But first, I have to pay the annual $12 theatre membership fee. It also covers the insurance if I get hurt while volunteering. Huh? So I can't go on dates and I might actually break a leg?

Man, I must really love the theatre...

Sunday, April 1, 2007

Today is a rainy day, but that's a-right, because it is a good day to be cozy and stay inside. Right now I am sipping apricot tea, listening to Tchaikovsky's "Pathetique" (judging by the title, I thought that it would be a melancholy score, but it is actually quite uplifting) and watching Gilbert sleep on the chair beside me, while Sista Soldia and Bernie spoon on the chair in the living room.

Yesterday was a day spent in pursuit of bargains. I was quite successful. My Tchaikovsky album was only 30 cents. At the same thrift store I found an original 1982 John Branderhorst wood carving of a buffalo for a mere dollar. I don't know who John B. is (perhaps this was his highschool wood shop project), but it is a cute wall hanging and it fits in well with the "cottage theme" of my front sitting room. At Liquidation World, I scored a teal knitted hoodie for $2.00 and a pair of pants for $3.00 (the box of apricot tea was only 88 cents). At Value Village I found a pair of "never-worn" beige dress shoes for $5.00 and a beautiful French Connection blouse for $4.00. I then went home and coloured my hair with L'Oreal's Preference in Ultra-Violet Dark Red. I recommend this brand for those with stubborn greys as it provides excellent coverage with little mess. So, my new hairstyle was only $12.99. I have asked Ivan to cut it for me, but he seems uncomfortable with that so I may have to splurge on a haircut. But I find that most hairdressers charge at least $40.00 for a hair cut! If I wasn't so paranoid about getting head lice, I would go to a Hairdressing school for an inexpensive cut. While on the topic of bargains, a great place to find deals is on www.kijiji.com. Sometimes people are giving items away because they don't want to move them ie. couches, tables etc. You can search for items in your area. Right now I have my eye on an antique school desk for 40 dollars!

Thank you to those who sent me their "My Heritage" Celebrity Look-Alike pics. Apples, you can have up to 10 matches, so I am sure that you resemble more celebrities than just Molly Ringwald. Oh, and Vicki Pollard, I hate to be a bi-atch, but you could really use a makeover and some medication for those cold sores! Have you been making out with Hawksley Workman?(to those of you who are not familiar with VP, she is a character on "Little Britain")

Okay, here is my rainy day schedule:
1). drink apricot tea
2). listen to Tchaikovsky for the 7th time (I'm really enjoying it. It's very soothing)
3). have a bath
4). wet siffer my floors
5). give myself a coconut milk facial (49 cents at Liquidation World)
6). satisfy my Perez Hilton craving. I still haven't been back to his website
7). have some "macaroni and cheese" lunchmeat in a pita. I haven't had it since I was a kid so I had to buy some. It's gooood!
8). turn my calendar page to "April" and finally switch all of my clocks to the proper time.

It is April Fool's day today and I wanted to write a fake post, but Apples hates the fake posts and it's all about Apples! Oh well, happy April Fool's day anyways!

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

My Resemblance To Jessica Simpson Is Uncanny!

It really is a sign of these modern times when my family begins to call, not to ask why I haven't phoned, but rather, why I haven't blogged! Don't worry folks...when I haven't blogged it usually means that my life has been incredibly full!

Today I discovered www.myheritage.com. On this website, you can upload a picture of yourself and your image will be matched to the celebrities that you most resemble. The comparison to Jessica Simpson made me laugh. The only thing that Jessica and I have in common is that John Mayer denied being in a relationship with me at one time as well. I have to admit that I liked the Grace Kelly and Natalie Portman comparisons. Like, I wish! I was just relieved that I didn't rate a 90% resemblance to Ugly Betty. A couple of my friends have joked that I look a bit like her. Actually, maybe I should upload a picture of her and put it on the website and see if we resemble the same people. Then, by default, we would ultimately resemble each other!

While on the topic of celebrities, I have refrained from visiting Perez Hilton's website for the last five days! That gossip blog is a guilty pleasure of mine, but I have begun to realize that reading it (well, looking at the pictures) makes me feel a bit catty and trashy. My sister said that she hasn't been on the site lately and that she feels much "cleaner". Perez always uses colourful expressions to describe people and I find that I begin to analyse people's appearances or behaviours in the same way. For example, at times throughout the day I will think that someone is being a "F*@ktard" or that their outfit makes them look like they have "Cankles" or that their shoes are "Sh#teous". That's not nice! Plus, when people visit Perez's website, they are contributing to the success of the paparazzi. If the paparazzi are encouraged, they will just continue to interrupt the leisure and party time of those nice celebrities. Celebrities don't want to be in the spotlight...okay, I'm being sarcastic.

Make sure to check out www.myheritage.com and let me know who you resemble. Oh, and sorry for swearing on this post. Perez made me do it!

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Feelin' The Love

It was quite mild out tonight so I let the cats out to frolic in the back yard. They had been out for a couple of hours when I started to get things ready to take out to the garbage. I opened my back door to bring the garbage out and almost stepped on a dead mouse! When I first saw it, a few emotions came over me. First there was disgust, then sadness for the mouse and then a glimmer of pride that my wuss city cats still have their survival instincts. I also knew that they had left it there as a present for me, almost like a bouquet of roses. As I lifted it up with grocery bag and gloved hand, I couldn't help but let out squeals of horror. Gilbert looked at me as if to say "Whuh, you dun like it?" I couldn't help it. It is just something about the limpness of a dead mouse that gives me the heebie jeebies. So, now my bouquet of roses is at the curb, in the garbage can, ready for tomorrow morning.

Tonight, I will go to bed with a warm feeling that I am truly loved (while my dirty-ass killer cats sleep peacefully beside me). Ahhhhhh.

When you first look at this picture, you think "Isn't that sweet?". But upon further investigation, you see that the mouse is too large to be a mouse. It's more like an overgrown sewer rat! When I was looking for cat and mouse images, I kept coming across cheesy pictures of a cat with a computer mouse. That's, like, so 1994!

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Breaking The Ritual

There are a few rituals that I perform on a daily basis. You may call it O.C.D., but I like to call them rituals. I am a chronic hand washer. When I leave the house, I check all of the elements on the stove and also put my hand on the burners to make sure that they aren't warm (even though I barely use my stove). I also check the door about 5 times after I lock it. When I walk down the street and step on a stone, I check the bottom of my shoe to make sure that I haven't accidentally stepped on a syringe (I know, that's crazy, but I would want to know, wouldn't you?)

Today I was thinking about my rituals and I realized that there are at least two that I can cross off of my list. For example, I used to check my messages on my home phone while I was at work. I don't know who I was expecting to call me, but I have learned that only telemarketers call during the day. I was able to break myself of this ritual because I discovered that any important messages would still be waiting for me when I came home from work. Also, my family and friends have my work number if they need to reach me during the day. Another ritual that I have broken is "blog-checking" while at work. I used to check my blog about five times a day to see if I had any comments. I was able to stop this ritual by posting a picture of a crocheted penis on my blog. Now I am too afraid to look at my blog at work. I would be dismissed for looking at porn on the internet!

Sometimes I think about how much time I waste on my rituals. If I spent this time on creative ventures, I would probably have a room full of paintings, or a few children's books completed by now. If I logged all of my wasted time in a book, I would probably accumulate enough hours for a part-time job!

My thoughts develop in ritualistic patterns as well. I would like to rid myself of these thoughts, but I think that will only be possible with a partial lobotomy. I waste a lot of time worrying about trivial things. I'm trying to change these patterns and, besides a lobotomy (because I'm too vain to shave my head), I think that the only way to break them is to think about "checking messages" and "crocheted penises". For example, feeling the need to analyse things and worry is like checking your messages. If your concern is urgent or valid it deserves your attention. But trivial worries are like phone calls from telemarketers. If you don't answer the call, they won't leave a message. Also, always thinking about "the worst case scenario" is like looking at a picture of a crocheted penis at work. It is unnecessary and will only get you into trouble.

Phew! I feel a bit like Dr. Phil, but I just needed to get that off of my chest. Maybe some of my readers have rituals that they would like to break. This is a safe environment for sharing, so go ahead...Dr. Cherry is listening:)

Monday, March 19, 2007

What the ......?

I have about 8 clocks in my house (that is if you include the double-faced clock that I have as well). Since the time change, I have only adjusted three of them (the ones that I rely on the most). These are my alarm clock, the clock on my microwave and the clock in the bathroom. Why haven't I changed the time on all of my clocks, you might ask? Well, that is a silly question to ask someone who takes a four hour nap in the middle of the afternoon. But I will change them all eventually, at least by the time the next time change rolls around. Anyways, tonight I feel like I gained an extra hour, because I kept looking at a clock that I hadn't changed and then I went and looked at the microwave and realized that it was really an hour earlier than I had thought! So, now I have time to blog...aren't you lucky?

In response to Apples' earlier comment, I do not drink and blog. I have only done it once and I hated myself in the morning. It was a stupid post entitled "Baby It's Warm Outside". I don't think that anyone even commented on it. But I do eat and blog. One of my favourite things to have while I am blogging is Mortadella in a whole wheat pita. I put the pita in the microwave for twenty seconds, add some spinach leaves, parsley, two slices of Mortadella and some Keene's hot mustard. Mortadella is my favourite lunch meat right now, even though I recently discovered that the white blobs in it aren't cheese, but are actually pork fat! The hot mustard makes my nose burn, but I really enjoy it. I like it so much that I could pull a George Costanza and eat it in bed, if you know what I'm sayin';)

I recently discovered that a friend of mine has a birthday this month. I think that he regretted bringing it up in conversation, because when I asked him the date he responded "March the 40th" and "October 2008". He's tooo funnay! Well, there are only twelve days left in March, so hopefully I haven't missed it (the sad part is, I had to go count the days on my calendar in order to figure out how many more days were left).

I will tell you one more funny thing before I bring this post to a close. Sometimes I think that my cats are playing tricks on me. For example, today I couldn't find Gilbert and Sista so I looked around my apartment and found them sitting in the front room. Gilbert was sitting on the back of the couch and Sista was sitting on the dresser. I went into the kitchen and checked on them again (only 2 minutes later) and this time, Sista was sitting on the back of the couch and Gilbert was sitting on the dresser, in the exact same poses! This isn't the first time that they have done this. They probably perform these little acts in order to bring some excitement into my day. That's cool, as long as I never catch them wearing bikinis and as long as I am never bored enough to sew them beach wear.

Sunday, March 18, 2007

People Need Back Up

Hello everyone. I haven't been home much in the last 4 days, so I apologize for the lack of blogging. The past few days have been very full and I have spent them with very interesting people. I have also watched a couple of movies with existential themes so I am feeling a bit philosophical. I had a 4 hour nap this afternoon and had some very intriguing dreams, which really made me think about life and relationships.

I often have dreams in which my family all live in the same house or neighbourhood. These dreams are always warm and comforting. When I wake up, I feel disjointed because I remember that my parents and my brother are two hours away and my sister lives in another city (only a half hour away, but I still only see her once a week). I envy people who have family close by. I truly believe that these people live fuller lives and are more at ease as they have that comfort zone and live their daily lives in the knowledge that someone is always there if they need them.

We also have our friends. One of my favorite lines in the movie "About A Boy" is when Marcus says "People need back up". As far as friendship goes, I have two friends that I trust with all of my heart. One of them is my sister and the other is a friend of mine that lives in Toronto. They are great listeners and always have words of encouragement for me. They help me to see the humourous side of every situation but are also brutally honest and aren't afraid to show me some "tough love" when I need it. They were both in my dream this afternoon and when I woke up, I realized how much I miss them. I spent some time with Ivan's friends this weekend and I really admire the strong bonds that he has in his life. When I am around them, I can see that his friends respect his opinions and really enjoy being with him. There is real love and admiration there and I think that is why Ivan is the centered and confident person that he is.

I have also recently spent time with people who have young children. Their lives are so much more complicated than mine but they persevere and contribute to the development and livelihood of these little people. It's amazing and I am in awe of those that play the roles of mother and father.

I also watched "Pretty In Pink" this weekend. The theme of existentialism wasn't so apparent in this film but it still had something to say. Today I found myself thinking about Duckie's character and his love for Andie. Although it had its creepy moments (he basically stalked her on his bicycle) his devotion to Andie was sincere and unshakable, until, of course, he met Kristy Swanson (or "The Duckette" as she is listed in the credits) at the prom.

This post has really been more stream of consciousness than blog, but I guess what I am really trying to say is that the people in our lives are important and help build our character. We need each other, whether it is to share a laugh or help us through a difficult time. I don't know if people are like me, but I believe that I don't say "I love you" as often as I should to the people closest to me. And when I do, I always say it quickly, like this "Love you!" But I really do have a lot of love in my heart and I mean those words.

And with that, I say goodnight and...I love you. XOXO

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Rites Of Spring

So, I haven't done anything creative this week (except write this blog) and I haven't been back to www.etsy.com because I'm not a pervert! But I am still feelin' that spring vibe. Today I wore a spring coat and I was able to walk on the sidewalks on my way to work because most of the snow has melted. But I had to be very careful as I walked due to the huge mounds of dog poo!

I'm not a scientist, but it appeared that they were all left by the same creature. And I'm not even sure if it was a dog, because it looked like it could have been from a horse. Every three feet there was a pile of dung. It did not appear that the animal was ill as the piles were solid. While I walked, I found myself analysing the situation. Were these piles always there, under the snow? Were they from a recent walk since the snow had melted? Was it an accumulation of different walks, under various layers of snow? And the most important question, why didn't the owner just stoop and scoop?

Then, I started thinking, maybe it wasn't left by a domestic animal at all. Maybe it was a bear that knows the rules of the road and chooses to stay on the sidewalk as a safety precaution. Or, perhaps it was a Sasquatch...I don't know, but I will be sure to keep an eye on this phenomenon. Maybe I will bring a baggie on my walk tomorrow and collect a sample to bring to Professor Brown for analysis (you know Professor Brown, from the show "Rewired" on www.bionicbuddha.com?) He's a pretty smart guy and I think he knows his dung!

Monday, March 12, 2007

Maybe I Won't Start Knitting

Okay, sorry about the x-rated picture, but I checked out www.etsy.com and this was the first thing that I found! That website should have a warning or something...Jeepers!

Creative Energy

So, I have been given an assignment. I need to do something creative by the end of the week. I was hoping to start it today, but it didn't happen. And now I feel like a bad ass, because instead of starting my project, I had a late dinner, washed dishes and talked on the phone all night. Even though I worked today, I feel guilty about relaxing tonight because I should have been using some creative energy.

I just don't know what to do. Should I draw something, paint something, or write something? I woke up feeling inspired. I left the house at 7:30am and I was enamoured with the pink sunrise along River Road. The birds were chirping loudly and energetically. It almost sounded like different radio stations playing at the same time, as the various species of birds sang their individual songs. It was my mom that pointed out to me that the birds start to sound different when spring approaches.

But then I got to work and crunched numbers all day thus losing that creative vibe. And now it is 12:30am and I am off to bed. Maybe my dreams will inspire me (or just frighten me like the "Hawksley Nightmare" did).

Perhaps I need to try something new, like knitting or Hungarian embroidery! My sister introduced me to a cool website: www.etsy.com. I haven't taken a good look at it yet, but she assures me that I will be inspired.

If anyone has any tips on how to get those creative juices flowing, I'd be open to suggestions. And remember, keep it clean because the Czar of the blog will delete any questionable comments. Heck, I might even delete this post (I've been known to do that, you know) because it sucks *#@ (as "Jewels of the Nile" would say).

Tuesday, March 6, 2007

Hawksley Herpman

Well it looks like everyone loved my last post! Like, I have no comments! I guess that word got out that I have started policing my blog and deleting comments that might be a bit too colourful. Well, the communist regime has ended, and you may comment freely...Please comment...please?

So, I will tell you about a strange dream that I had last night. I dreamt that I went to a dark and dingy club to watch Hawksley Workman perform. I guess that his career was suffering as he was the opening act for some obscure band. When he finished his set, he went into the audience to watch the rest of the show. While the second act performed, Hawksley approached me. I could tell that he had been drinking as his eyes were glazed over and he was slurring his words. He asked me to kiss him and I remember thinking, "Wow! You're, like, Hawksley Workman and you want me to kiss you? Y-ah!" So, I did. It wasn't a very long kiss, but I did kiss him on the mouth. Then, the spotlight scanned the audience briefly and when it passed across Hawksley's face I noticed that he had these huge cold sores on his lips! He looked at me and his herpes-encrusted lips curled into a mischievous smile and his eyes were barely open as he drunkenly swayed back and forth. I remember thinking "Man, why did I have to kiss him? Like, he's only Hawksley Workman and I've never had a cold sore in my life!" And then my lips began to tingle.

When I woke up, I still thought that I had a cold sore, but then I realized that it was just a dream. I've gotten over it, but now Hawksley Workman grosses me out!

Monday, March 5, 2007


I love cake! I've just got to have it. At work we have had a birthday every week for the past three weeks. There has been cake once a week! It's been great. Today I was able to bring some cake home because someone was going to throw it out! Can you imagine that? A gorgeous Sobeys vanilla cream cake! Today I had a piece during the birthday song, another piece for an afternoon snack and I might have one more before I go to bed. That leaves one piece left for breakfast. Does it get any better than this?

I can't believe that Elaine on "Seinfeld" called in sick because there were too many birthday celebrations at her place of employment. And then, when she returned to work, someone had bought her a "Get Well Soon" cake. Man, if only that would happen at my job...I loved that episode, especially when she went through cake withdrawal and ended up eating Peterman's prized slice from a 1930's Royal Wedding. I'll never forget the line "That was a butter cream icing! The agony that you will be experiencing is punishment enough". I actually became quite ill from cake once. An old landlord offered me some carrot cake (my favourite kind) and I noticed that the carrot bits were green. I ate it anyways because I didn't want to be rude. Within a half hour of ingesting it, my stomach began to gurgle and...well...Carrot cake is still my favourite cake, but now I am very particular about who makes it and how fresh the vegetables are that go into it.

The only cakes that I don't like are Dairy Queen cakes. People don't understand this, but I really don't like them. I once worked in an office where that is all that they would serve at birthdays. They're really expensive too!

Today, when the birthday girl was serving the cake at work, she ended up with some icing on her pant leg. One of my witty coworkers said "So that's what they mean when they say that cake goes right to your thighs". Bud da da ching!!

Okay, enough cake talk. Now for a cake walk, right to the fridge for my third slice of the day!


Sunday, March 4, 2007

Love Conquers All

Well, I solved the mystery of "Jewels of the Nile". It is a friend that is just commenting on my blog for the first time. They were trying to be funny and did not realize that this blog is a forum for me to feel good about myself:) Now, if I could only figure out who "anonymous" is...

This weekend I watched the movie "You, Me and Dupree". When I saw the trailer, I thought that it would be a very immature film with lots of boobs and butts (there were some of those, but mens' butts too so that's okay), but it was a really sweet story about friendship and love.

In the movie, Molly and Carl are newlyweds who have opened their home to Dupree who is Carl's down-and-out friend. I don't want to give anything away (as I really think that people should watch this movie) but the story develops into a study on relationships. It is a story about forgiveness and acceptance. I enjoyed watching Dupree's character grow as he tries to better himself, follow a dream and "Live Strong".

I found myself laughing out loud during much of the film. One of my favourite scenes is one in which Carl suspects that Dupree is developing an interest in Molly. In the scene, Molly is reaching in the kitchen cupboard for the sugar and all that you can see is the back of Dupree's head as he coaches her to find it. Carl assumes that Dupree is admiring her buttocks, but in reality, Dupree's eyes are up at the top shelf where Molly is reaching. As Carl becomes more and more suspicious, it is easy to see how appearances can blur reality.

As I sit in front of my computer, in my quiet apartment on a Sunday afternoon, I almost wish that I had a "Dupree" around to plug my toilet, set fire to my curtains and watch Audrey Hepburn movies with. Oh well, maybe one of the cats will puke on the rug and there will be some excitement. Yeah!

Saturday, March 3, 2007

Panic At The Laundromat

So, I am writing another blog about animals. I hope that my faithful readers don't mind (especially "Jewels of the Nile". Nice comment, by the way and I think that I know who you are;)

As I mentioned in an older blog, the laundromat that I go to has tropical birds. The lovebirds have had a baby and it is very cute. Today the laundromat owner was opening the cage and the baby flew out. The small, feathery friend was frantically flying around the laundromat and kept banging into the mirrors on the walls. The parents were clinging to the bars of their cage and calling out to their child. It was very traumatic. I was standing there with my coins in hand, hesitant about whether to put them in the machine as I did not want to frighten the lovebird. Right then and there I had an epiphany. I suddenly thought to myself "This is my life. I am in a laundromat and I can't start my wash because, in doing so, I may frighten a tropical bird into further head injury. Something needs to change." So, I've decided to improve my place in life.

Anyways, back to my story...the owner caught the bird and it was returned to its parents, unharmed. The mother bird puked in the baby's beak and all was well.

The end.

Thursday, March 1, 2007

Winter Safety

I really like this picture. My sister took it. She takes lots of amazing pictures, but I can't show them to you because they are of her family (you know, the privacy thing). I love this bunny! He is just sitting there, contently on the step, curiously looking in the window at the human on the other side. The glowing sunlight acts as a reminder that spring is just around the corner.

When I look at this picture I can't help but smile. But...wait a minute...why isn't the bunny afraid? Maybe he is rabid! Maybe that liquid on the step is actually foam that was pouring from his mouth!

This picture frightens me!

A word to the wise: Beware of bunnies who pose for pictures!! (That includes drunk girls that dress up as Playboy Bunnies for Hallowe'en. They're probably dirty).

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Dude, where's my skirt?

I was experiencing wardrobe malfunction at work today. I was wearing a knee-length black skirt with black tights and the skirt kept twisting around. It has always been too big for me (it was on sale and the only size left wasn't mine). But a deal is a deal, right? So, I kept struggling with my outfit and it was rather distracting. On the way home from work I ran a few errands. I caught a bus and went to Value Village and the grocery store. I decided to walk home and while I was walking I looked down and realized that I was no longer wearing my skirt! I wasn't a total exhibitionist as I was wearing my down-filled winter coat which almost reaches my knees. But the fact remained that my skirt was missing! I know that I was wearing it when I put my coat on when I left work. I can't imagine that I wouldn't have felt it falling to my ankles while I walked. So all that I can think is that it fell off on the bus, or (even sadder) I forgot to put it back on when I was trying on clothes at Value Village. Right now, I am imagining my sad black skirt hanging on a hook in one of those dreary dressing rooms. Hopefully someone in need of a black skirt will try it on and it will actually fit them.

I'm trying not to think about it. Actually it could have been much worse. I could have had an appointment and taken off my coat in a waiting room only to discover that I was only half-dressed. (And I wouldn't have looked like the woman in this picture).

I believe that there is a lesson to be learned here. I think that I should wear a belt more often...or suspenders. Or maybe I should buy clothes that fit me. I guess that five bucks for a skirt isn't such a great deal when you end up losing it:(

Monday, February 26, 2007

I Need An Effin' Smoke!

I had an appointment out of town today, so I travelled on the Greyhound. When I boarded the bus on the way home, a passenger frantically ran up to the driver and said "Do I have time for a quick smoke?" in a really raspy voice. The driver said "No, we are leaving now". To which she responded "Then where the hell is my husband?" Finally the husband boarded the bus with a bag of chips and pop in hand and loudly exclaimed "See what I have to do for my pregnant woman?!"


When we reached our final destination and I got off of the bus, I saw the husband and wife huddled together on the sidewalk. The woman shakily lit her cigarette, took a long drag and said "Man, I needed that effin' smoke!" It was then that I noticed her sweatshirt protruding (yes, her coat was wide open even though it was freezing out) as she was definitely great with child.

I can almost guarantee that the fine pair were from the Niagara Region, but oddly enough they spoke with a Southern drawl. I find that a lot in these here parts. Perhaps it is the native dialect of the Golden Horseshoe.

Thursday, February 22, 2007


So, here is my last "kid's song" (at least for now). I've had a special request from a cute little blue-eyed boy (who is just starting to eat solid food) for the song "Fergalicious", the kid's version. Here it is:


four, tres, two, uno

(Will I Am)

Listen up y'all, cuz this is it
This burp is so strong I'm gonna need a bib


Burpalicious definition bubble in my tummy
The louder that I burp it tells ya that my meal was yummy
You can hug me, you can squeeze me
Just tap me on my backie
If you're lucky I'll spit something out
Just like it's chewin' tobaccy

Burpalicious (so delicious)
That meal was nutritious
To the point of barfalicious
And that ain't fictitious
I blow kisses (mmmwwaahhh)
And then I hiccup, hiccup
And then there's room for more, so fill my bottle up!

So delicious (It's a gastronomic delight)
So delicious (Sometimes it even hurts)
So delicious (Hope you're not wearin' your favourite shirt)
I'm burpalicious (t-t-t-t-t-tasty, tasty!)

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

I Like Big Trucks

Thanks to my last post, I've had a few requests for child-friendly translations of adult songs. So, the next song goes out to my gangsta nephew who also likes "I Like Big Butts" by Sir Mix-A-Lot. (I didn't think that kids listened to this kind of stuff, but then I remembered that I was first introduced to the French language in 1975 by Patti Labelle's song about a New Orleans hooker entitled "Lady Marmalade". Remember the line "Voulez-vous coucher avec moi, ce soir?").

I Like Big Trucks


Oh my gosh
Becky, look at his truck
It's so big
It looks like one of those toy Hummers
Who would want one of those?
My dad says that they use a lot of gas
And you can never find a parking space big enough
I mean his truck
It's so dirty
It looks like it's been in a mud puddle
And so do his hands
I mean, it's gross
Look, he probably never washes them.


I like big trucks and I cannot lie
You other brothers can't deny
That when you go to Toys R Us
You make a lot of fuss
When your parents just refuse to buy
You that truck
The Ford F-150 Street Beast RC
It runs on 9.6 Volt batteries
And the Monster Jam Monster Truck, yo!
They are both manufactured by Tyco
I also like the old-school toys
Like Matchbox and Hotwheels
I trade them with my boys
Yah I like to wheel and deal
Once I traded an Igor snack
For a Tonka Fire Rescue Pack
And that was a real sacrifice
'Cuz those Igor snacks are nice!

So Fellas (Yeah!) Fellas (Yeah!)
Do you got some junk in that trunk? (Heck, Yeah!)
Well, drive it, drive it, drive it, drive it, drive that big toy truck
Baby got truck!

While I wrote these lyrics, I realized that some children have difficulty saying the word "Truck". Maybe parents are better off to stick with Sir Mix-A-Lot's version of the song.

Stay tuned for my next post where I will change the song "Fergalicious" to "Burpalicious"!

Monday, February 19, 2007

Suzzy Back

I have just discovered that my two year old nephew loves the song "Sexy Back" by Justin Timberlake. I thought that the lyrics weren't suitable for a two year old, so I have changed them a bit so that he can sing along. My nephew has already changed the title to "Suzzy Back" :

I'm bringin' suzzy back (Yeah!)
I got some toys in my "Dora" back pack (Yeah!)
Give me yogurt and Mum-mums for my snack (Yeah!)
I like the movie "Cars" because it's whack (Yeah!)
Take 'em to my crib

I'm a babe
No, I'm a toddler
Sometimes I misbehave
But I mean no harm, baby, it's just my age
And I'll grow outta it, maybe, one day

Take 'em to the sandbox

Thomas the Tank Engine
Put the DVD on, will ya
The Backyardigans
Put the DVD on, will ya
Blue's Clues
Put the DVD on, will ya
Dora the Explorer
Put the DVD on, will ya
Ruby and Max
Put the DVD on, will ya
The Wiggles
Put the DVD on, will ya
Throw on some Shrek
Put the DVD on, will ya
How's about some Ice Age
Put the DVD on, will ya
Anything but Caillou
(He's a little cry baby)

I'm bringin' suzzy back (Yeah!)
I think it's time for my mornin' nap (Yeah!)
Read me a story, come on make me laugh (Yeah!)
I'll be sleepin' mama, in a snap (Yeah!)

Take me to my toddler bed!

I've submitted these lyrics to Justin Timberlake's website. I am hoping to collaborate with him in the production of a children's cd. I would re-write all of the songs from his current cd and make them child-friendly. We will definitely need to work on the title. I am thinking "Futurepets/Lovehounds".

Saturday, February 17, 2007

Living In The Twilight Zone

My last post was completely fictitious, but the story that I am about to tell in this post is very strange, but true. On Thursday night I had an appointment in a part of town that I have never been to. After my appointment I went to the bus shelter to wait for a bus. There had been a heavy snowstorm the day before and there were piles of snow around the shelter and not one single footprint. I thought that this was odd but I decided to wait for the bus anyways. It was very cold outside and since I was standing in the snow, my boots got wet and my feet were freezing. I had decided to wait for an hour since buses run about once an hour. At one point, an old man walked past the shelter and I asked him if he thought the buses were still running. He said that he had no idea and continued to walk. After an hour I decided to call a cab. I went to a plaza that had a lobby. There was a pay phone but no telephone book. There was a fitness centre in the basement so I went there to find a phone book. Sure enough, the man that I had talked to at the bus shelter was sitting in a chair in the fitness centre. He said "So I guess that the bus never came?" and I said "No". He responded "Well, if you want to wait a bit my friends can give you a ride, as long as you don't mind that they have been drinking". I said "Yes, I mind" (not that I would have taken the ride if they were sober). His friends arrived with bottles of rye, vodka and gin. I said "What kind of a gym is this anyways?" They seemed uncomfortable and one of them uttered "A private gym". I will also add that there were signs posted that said "Spa" and "Massage".hmmm.

I waited in the lobby for my taxi and when it arrived there was a boy who looked about twelve years old behind the wheel. I was in shock and blurted out "How old are you? Are you old enough to drive?" He coyly said "How old are you?" He told me he was 22. I laughed nervously as I was sure that this was some kind of a joke. He then said "Okay, I'll be honest with you. My babysitter was in the shower with her boyfriend and I took her car". I laughed again and then just looked ahead thinking "Oh well. This is better than waiting in the cold for a bus and he is a pretty good driver". He told me that his girlfriend was 30 and he had just been cast in a commercial to play the role of a fifteen year old. He was beautiful with piercing blue eyes, sugar blond spiky hair and a clean shaven (or never shaven) face. But he still had the appearance of a twelve year old. He told me that I had hurt his feelings when I had laughed about his age. I apologized (I still feel bad about it). At the end of my ride he asked "So, how did I drive for not having my license?" I laughed nervously once again and was glad to be home.

I slept soundly and do not remember any of my dreams. My dreams probably weren't very memorable as they could not surpass the bizarre events of the day. When I awoke, my cat Sista Soldia was snuggled against me as usual. I groggily looked at the pillow beside me as there seemed to be some sort of object resting on it. I focused and realized that it was a piece of cat poo! The worst part of this story is that I was so tired that I just rolled over and slept for another half hour.

The poo is long gone and the pillow case and pillow have been washed, but I am still wondering what would possess one of my feline friends to do such a thing? All that I can remember is that Sista Soldia was sitting on my lap the night that I composed the post about the gold cat necklace. I guess that she didn't like my post:(

Thursday, February 15, 2007

If You Don't Know Me By Now....

So, yesterday was Valentine's Day. I went to Ivan's for dinner and I was in a great mood! After dinner we exchanged gifts. Now, in my last post, when I brought up the topic of our impending gift exchange, I was going to write "I just hope that he didn't get me anything with cats on it". Now, I love cats. They make wonderful pets and I have a small collection of real cats. But, just because I like cats, that doesn't mean that I need to surround myself with "cat things". I do have other interests, you know.

When Ivan handed me the gift-wrapped box, my heart raced. I knew that it must be jewellery because of the weight and size. I opened it and was nearly blinded by all of the golden hideousness! (and just in case you were wondering, the bell actually rings! So, not only do I look like an idiot when I wear this thing, I sound like an idiot too). Ivan, I am sorry if you are reading this, but, really...do you know me at all? Have you ever seen me wear gold? What outfit did you think this necklace would match with? Maybe a sweatshirt that has a cat on it with sequins for eyes? I don't have a sweatshirt like that now but I am sure that you will buy me one for my birthday!

I'm sorry. I know that I'm being nasty. It is the thought that counts, right? But I'm still wondering....what the *&@# was he thinking?

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Valentine's Eve

So, it is the night before Valentine's Day and, well, that's not such a big deal. But it does feel like Christmas Eve because it is snowing out (which it didn't do this past Christmas). We were talking about the impending storm at work today and I said that businesses such as restaurants and theatres would suffer if there was inclement weather on Valentine's Day. My coworker responded "Well, that's okay, people will just stay in and cuddle". So, I said "Yah and a lot of babies will be born in November of 2007". That seems to be the trend after a power outage or seasonal storm. What's up with that? If people have to think about wearing snow boots or a raincoat, they forget to think about other kinds of "protection"?

Okay, I really don't know where I am going with this blog. I wanted to post about Valentine's Day and I found this cool clip art so I will just try to keep with the theme. Today I went to the dollar store by my work and when I was leaving, the owner said "Happy Valentine's Day tomorrow!" That was a bit odd because firstly, I have never heard people wish other people a "Happy Valentine's Day" and secondly, I have never heard people wish people a "Happy Valentine's Day" the day before. I guess that he assumed that I might have a special someone because I purchased razors and deodorant. But what if I didn't? What if that greeting was enough to put me over the edge? Then I thought that it would have been funny if I had turned to him and said "What's so happy about it? You know, I had completely forgotten that it was Valentine's Day tomorrow and then you had to go and remind me about how lonely I am! You know what? You are probably the only person that will wish me a 'Happy Valentine's Day'. Do you want to know what my plans are for tomorrow night? I'm going to have a bath, shave my legs and listen to ABBA records with my ten cats. That's what I am going to do. Oh, and the deodorant? Today my boss took me aside and discreetly informed me that there have been a few 'complaints' around the office. Yah. And I had to come to a dollar store to make my purchases because I spent the last of my pay cheque on canned cat food and celebrity gossip magazines". I guess that wouldn't be very funny, but that is how my imagination works.

While on the topic of dysfunctional Valentines, if you get a chance, check out www.postsecret.com. There are some pretty twisted postcards on this week's installment. I'm excited about my Valentine's Day plans. Ivan said that he knows that I will like my present because he doesn't like it...hmmm...I'm not sure what that means, but I'll keep you posted.

Monday, February 12, 2007

Some Good, Clean Fun

I always get excited about a deal. The other day, I was telling a dear friend of mine about a sale on Ivory Soap at Shopper's Drug Mart. It is only 99 cents for a three-bar pack! I bought the lavender scented Ivory and it's very nice. After I told my friend about my purchase, he suddenly looked very sullen, shook his head and said "But those poor elephants" and walked into the other room with his head down. I was confused, as the first image that popped into my head was of a scientist on a ladder, putting drops of Ivory soap in an elephant's eye to test for sensitivity. That didn't make sense. Wouldn't it be easier to use rabbits, or better yet, humans?

But then I understood the joke and the connection between "ivory" and "elephants". I thought it was the cutest thing eva! I asked my friend if he made it up himself and he claims that he did (and no, he's not 80 years old!).

Friends are nice, especially friends that bring the funny! Okay, I've got to go watch "The Lawrence Welk" show, now.

Sunday, February 11, 2007

Not Recommended For Those With Weak Hearts

I went to see the movie "Smokin' Aces" and I think that it should be called "Exploding Hearts". I didn't have any expectations when I went to see the movie. I wasn't familiar with the plot line and I hadn't read any reviews. So I really wasn't prepared for the graphic violence. I spent most of the movie crouched down in my seat and I could hear my heart pounding in my ears. When the movie was over I told Ivan that I felt really anxious and I had a pain in my chest. He then pointed out to me that that is why some rides at amusement parks have warnings that people with heart conditions shouldn't participate in them. I don't have a heart condition, but do believe that I was experiencing the after-effects of a pretty scary ride. I cannot stomach the sight of blood and while watching this movie I thought that I was going to regurgitate my $7.00 hot dog. While the characters were shot and stabbed I could hear the teenagers behind me saying "Cool" and "Awesome". It was a bit disturbing. Maybe I am a weak person as I get lost in the realism of such films but I cannot view it as simple comic book violence and I worry that people are growing desensitized to violence through movie murders.

But, there were some stellar performances in this film. Jason Bateman was hilarious as a fumbling lawyer with angry-looking cold sores and a fetish for women's lingerie and mascot heads. Jeremy Piven's character "Buddy Israel" would be the perfect poster boy for an anti-drug campaign. Alicia Keyes seemed quite comfortable in front of the camera in her first acting role as a no-nonsense hit woman. There were also some very unique characters in this film. In one scene, a killer has a conversation with his victim by moving the corpse's mouth with his hand. In the conversation, the killer acts as a ventriloquist and seeks forgiveness for his crime. This scene is delivered with dark humour, but it is still quite disturbing. Another interesting character is a 10 year old boy who has very thick glasses and a bandage over his one eye. He is obsessed with martial arts and numchucks. He lives with his grandmother because his mother abandon him and his father is in prison.

"Smokin' Aces" was an interesting movie. It was visually stimulating (at least the scenes that I didn't have to look away from) and action packed. It also had an intricate story line that had to be explained to me later. I will not discuss it here as that would give away the movie. As I left the theatre, I believe that I suffered from post-traumatic stress disorder. I went to Seven Eleven because I had recovered from my "movie theatre hot dog nausea" and was craving a Taquito (they have a deal where one Taquito is $1.39, but if you buy two it is only $2.49! Ivan always argues with me that you aren't saving money if you buy two, because it is still cheaper to buy one. He should just keep his opinions to himself because he always benefits from this "deal" as I always give him the second Taquito!) Anyways, I went to Seven Eleven and I was making my purchase and I suddenly had this fear that somebody was going to walk into the store and open fire. I began to sweat and my heart was racing and the kid behind the register couldn't ring in my sale fast enough. But as I felt those warm Taquitos in my hands, I began to feel better.

When I got home, I had a Taquito and some "Sweet Chili Heat" flavoured Doritos. All of that stress dissipated. I am growing concerned that I am beginning to use food as a source of comfort. Right now I am having a glass of milk and some Chips Ahoy cookies. At "No Frills" this week, a family pack of Chips Ahoy is only $1.97! That's a lot of cookies for a single gal. That's why I eat them twice a day. Three as an afternoon snack and three as a bedtime snack. (I have to eat them before they expire!) I've had my last cookie and now it is bedtime.

Good night and sweet (violence-free) dreams!