I haven't been here in a while and I am sure that you will find the reason quite ironic. I haven't written as all of my possible subjects are very personal to me and I have hesitated to write about them. The real irony lies in the fact that what I am about to disclose to my reader is very personal, but, at this time, this seems to be the best outlet for my confession.
I deal with depression and anxiety on a daily basis. Until my recent diagnosis last year, I dealt with my condition painfully and unsuccessfully. I have been on medication for the last year and it seems to work...but not so much in the last four months. I recently revisited a very dark place in my life and could not find my way out of it (the other irony is that I was drawn to this place by another voyeuristic website, and I am now talking about it on Blogger). I tried to reason with myself and just sleep as much as possible. I was only successful with the sleeping part.
I have now reached a place of moderate understanding and now find that my temporary neurotic thoughts have now been replaced by strong pangs of regret and sadness due to the very important people that I have disappointed and worried during this time. I have only one true Blogger Follower and I am hoping that she will read this and accept my sincerest apologies. I did not attend an important family event due to my irrational thoughts and fears. I am embarrassed that my absense was due to a preoccupation with thoughts of someone who has never deserved my attention or consideration.
For this I am truly sorry.
Friday, October 17, 2008
Yes, that's me, in the bottom centre of this photo. I was 21 years old and it was my first retail job!! I felt like I had finally made it. My sister and I had loved this clothing store as teenagers and, sadly enough, thought that the people who worked there were the coolest people on the planet (One exception is the Fall of '85 when we were asked to leave the store because the employees felt that we were loitering. We definitely were not loitering! We just couldn't make up our minds about what shaker knit sweater and leopard print loafers to buy with our $400.00 in hard-earned, "back-to-school-shopping-harvest-money").
Well, it only took a month of employment for me to realize that this was not the coolest job in the world. Firstly, the store was located near the food court in the mall. All day I would smell fried onions and stale coffee and watch people eat while I didn't even have enough money to buy a plain pita because I had spent it all on clothes that I just felt I had to have!! (But, it was the only time in my adult life in which I only weighed 118 pounds. I thought that I looked hot. In retrospect, I guess I was). Secondly, part of our earnings were commission based, with sales targets and all of that fun stuff. It was becoming a challenge to tell people that their outfit looked great on them when it was 2 sizes too small. I was also the witness to boyfriends excitedly peering over the dressing room door as their size 0 girlfriends disrobed. I was envious as I would hear the girls' sly chuckles. If that had been me in the dressing room, all that anyone would have heard were mortified shrieks. Another drawback to my position was accepting returns from customers. As long as the return was accompanied by a receipt, we would take it back. I swear, some of the items reaked of perfume and were still warm. I was also there for the bodysuit fad. Every night at closing, my manager would have to remind me to do up the snaps on the gussets when we were tidying the store. That task repulsed me so much that I began to trade off jobs with my fellow co-workers. I would mop floors, Windex mirrors, take out the garbage, whatever they needed me to do in order to avoid that wretched chore!
I was there for four years. In that time, employees came and went and I found myself working with different teams over the years. This month I was invited to a staff reunion. Some of us are married, while some of us are living in apartments with our cats (okay, I can only speak for myself). Our lives have changed, but I am so excited that this event will bring us all together. We haven't seen each other in 14 years! I have already chosen my outfit (I will not be wearing a stitch of clothing from that store. After I lost my staff discount, I stopped shopping there)and booked my train ticket. I am sure that I will have lots of stories for you. It should be a great time, as long as there aren't any warm bodysuits in the mix.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Wow! This is strange. I feel like I have just walked into an old apartment of mine and someone else has been living here. I haven't been round these here parts in a year and a half! So much has changed. I feel the need to update all of my information, but I like to read the old stuff and see how I have grown. I'll leave it for now and fill you in on all of the changes in my next entry.
For now I am just going to go through these boxes of knick knacks, take down some old prints and put up some new art. Thanks Sista, for giving me the directions back to this old place. Also, I would like to thank some of my sista's blog readers for encouraging me to attend this homecoming. It smells a bit like stale cat pee and neglected laundry, but I'll just open a few windows and spray some Febreeze. I think I might like it here after all.
Tuesday, May 8, 2007
I posted this photo on my blog once before. A few people have commented that I look a bit "special" in this picture (that is me on the right). I will have you know that today a complete stranger told me that I look smart! Yes. Here is the story...I was walking down the street and a man was walking up to his vehicle. He resembled the stereotypical "beach" kind of guy, complete with tan, tank top and tribal tattoos. I was dressed in my business attire. The young man looked me up and down and commented "My, don't you look smart today!" The first thought that came to my mind was "Well, not really. I am of average intelligence", but instead I said "Thank you". He then said "How are you today?" and I replied "Fine, and you?" He responded with, "I am well, thank you". He got into his vehicle and drove away, but he continued to look back at me. This encounter did not make me uncomfortable as he was polite enough.
As I continued on my journey, a sports car sped past me. The passenger poked his head out of the window and exclaimed "I love you!" I was perplexed. How could he love me when he doesn't even know me? All that I can conclude is that everyone has a bit of the Spring Fever. I have also come to the realization that men like to see a woman in secretary attire. I never receive that much attention when I am wearing my hooker clothes.
My final stop was at the variety store to purchase microwave popcorn and diet pop. I rarely purchase lottery tickets but I decided to buy one. The Asian man behind the counter looked at my heavy load of groceries and said "I wish you good luck. You win the lottery and you never have to walk again. And every generation after you will have car too!" I thanked him and left the store, walking a little prouder and feeling a bit luckier.
Sunday, May 6, 2007
Well, not every day is like Sunday and I'm glad, because Sundays tend to give me the blues. It has been this way for me as long as I can remember. When I was in gradeschool, I would be blue because the weekend was over and I had to go to school the next day. When I entered the work force, Sundays made me anxious because I had to return to work the following day. I usually enjoy myself during the day on a Sunday, but in the back of my mind I dread the quiet of my apartment in the evening and the ritual of picking out my outfit for Monday. Don't get me wrong, I like my job (and there was a time that I had to work on the weekend) but to me, the weekend is a mini-vacation and it is always difficult to return to the work routine after a vacation. I never go to bed early enough on a Sunday night because I want the weekend to last as long as possible (I guess that is why I am blogging at midnight). My weekends are usually quite full socially, so Sunday evenings can be a bit lonely for me as I return to my apartment and tend to my domestic tasks. Luckily the cats follow me from room to room and keep me company.
Maybe the "blues" really stands for:
I have met many people that feel the same way about this day. On the website www.postsecret.com, the postcards are updated every Sunday. I believe that they post on this day because many people feel lonely on Sundays and the postcards reassure the readers that they are not alone in their fear or anxiety.
I compare how Sundays make me feel to how my mom once described the feeling of an empty house. My mom once said that when the whole family comes to visit, it is always difficult when everyone leaves at the same time and you are left alone in a quiet house. That is exactly what Sunday means to me.
Thursday, May 3, 2007
I was going for a walk at lunch today when I saw two police officers on horseback (they weren't on the same horse as there were two horses. But it is funny to imagine a police officer on a horse with another police officer sitting behind him with his hands about his waist). They looked very regal and it made me feel a bit tingly (down there! I joke). I've never been one of those gals who goes all ga-ga over men in uniform. But I will admit that I have a fondness for firemen (but not those cheesy firemen calendars) ever since I saw a fireman put an oxygen mask on a cat after a fire at my old neighbour's house. That is actually the house that Sista Soldia used to live in. The fireman also led my neighbour into the fire truck to sit with the cat because it was cold outside. Very sweet.
So, I was watching the police officers on horseback and I began to wonder...what is the purpose of this? This isn't the wild west where everyone rode horses. Can a horse chase a speeding car? If the horse were to chase someone on foot, could the perpetrator distract the horse by throwing a carrot on the ground? One thing is certain, those horses are very messy. They left a nice steaming pile of stuff at the stop light and when I returned to the office, I had that smell in my nose for the next hour.
Tuesday, May 1, 2007
Yes, I admit it. I have rock star fantasies. Not fantasies about rock stars (I am still traumatized by that Hawksley Workman nightmare), but fantasies in which I am a rock star. Well, not really a star. I aim a little lower than that. It goes like this: when I hear a great song with great vocals (it can be sung by a male or female) I imagine that I am singing the song. But in the fantasy, I am in a talent show at my workplace (I know, if you are gonna dream, dream big!) I also imagine what outfit I would be wearing and how my hair would be styled. If the song is a duet, I imagine that Apples is singing with me. She would be the lead vocal and I would be the harmony, of course. In the fantasy, I am not discovered by a record producer. I would have my 15 seconds of fame, the admiration of my coworkers and then return to my simple life of Liquidation Store shopping and $4 tea at Starbucks (maybe I would win a free buffet for two...that would be cool). I refer to this daydream as a "fantasy" because in real life, I could never sing in front of an audience. My voice would quiver and I would have flashbacks of me singing "Puttin' On The Ritz" for a community theatre audition at the age of 15. Not good. But if Apples was in the talent show, she would end up touring with Feist, or acquire the role of Angelina Jolie's body double in her next film. Maybe I could be Apples' personal assistant but I am quite certain that she would never put me in charge of choosing her wardrobe.
So, there you have it, my rock star fantasy. The rock star in the picture is Ruby from the Scottish band Babygod. You can check out their video on www.bionicbuddha.com. It's called "One For The Boys". You'll find it under "Television" and "V Sides" on the main page (I think Apples would like it).